This morning marks the end of my husband’s one week paternity leave and with me still trying to figure out a schedule handling both the little ones by myself (i still dont intend to let my maid have a hand in taking care of either of them). My mother, trying to help me ease into this 2 little kids thing offered to babysit Charles at her place for a few nights and let me first figure out Mikhail’s schedule this few days (also so i can get some rest). I am so grateful BUT i cant help but feel so so so GUILTY this morning as my husband gave him a bath, fed him his breakfast and just brought him to me to say goodbye.
I know i have not been spending enough time with Charles since i went in for Mikhail’s delivery. I spend half the day latching and pumping, changing diapers, burping and catering to the needs of Mikhail. I make an effort the past few days to shower Charles and i realized that i miss him so much. That short 10mins of bath time bonding really means so much to me. And what breaks my heart is the night time sleep crying. Charles cries in the middle of the night and calls out for me. Really makes me feel like it must be because he misses me but because he is such an understanding boy, he doesnt show it when he is awake. He understands when i tell him im pumping, or when im latching, or when im just catering to Mikhail’s needs and he will just go play with daddy. ):
In the past week, i have felt torn, i have felt scared, i also felt sad. Torn because i wish i could tear myself in 2 so i can both cater to Mikhail’s newborn needs and also play with Charles at the same time. Scared because im not sure if i am going to do a good job handling both little ones the way i handled Charles when he was the only one. Sad because i constantly feel lost at who i should be sacrificing and the answer seems to always be my husband. For the simple reason that he does not need me (he is a grown adult), but that isnt fair either, because i miss him too. Especially so when i wake up in the nights for night feeds or pump and look over to see all their sleeping faces. I miss them all. It feels like even though im there, im not really there spending quality time with any of them. ):
I hope that all of them (my sons and my husband) knows that i love them, very much, even if sometimes i just cant be there for them when they want me to.
Maybe this is just a phase and i sure hope these feelings go away. But if they dont, how do i deal with them?